Motivation Step 1..............Utter Humilation Complete

So I was going through some photos of myself before I lost the initial 40lbs on my weight loss goal (although now it's 25lbs since i'm back up to 175) Anyways i've been with my boyfriend for 4 years tomorrow (yay! Happy anniversary to us!) Getting off topic again but not really....Okay ANYWAYS I was saying that since we want to get married someday I had decided to go with my friend Kyra and try on some dresses....needless to say part of me wishes I had burned the photos and the other part of me thinks i'm crazy that i'm actually going to share this photo on the internet for everyone to see but hey this is a motivational blog is it not?? I'm also using it for my own motivation because since we do want to get married some day (and no i'm not engaged but thanks for assuming ;) lol) I will have to put on a wedding dress and lets just say I NEVER want to look this way in a wedding dress when it is actually time to put one on for our wedding....... So step one submit myself to utter humilitaion is now complete and for your viewing pleasure I bring you..........................My utter humiliation......

Motivation Schmotivation

Why is it that I can look at a girl who is skinny and think there is my motivation, I want to look that good in that same type of an outfit...but then it's gone??? I hate looking at myself in the mirror or naked or in a bathing suit or even in regular clothes. it's mostly my mid-section and my arms I hate, my legs allbeit are still fabulous thanks to years upon years of sports, yes I do have some cellulite that needs to be beaten away but other than that my legs are still fabulous...ok well I hate my muscular calves because they aren't skinny muscular they are huge muscular, I have yet to find a pair of boots that don't cut off my circulation and can allow a pair of jeans to fit into them. I wish I could find my real motivation, 2 years ago at this time I had super motivation I was at the gym after work, on the weekends, taking classes it was great and now??? Nothing, nada, I go to 24 hour in Clackamas which is a super sport and has classes but yet after working all day at my new job I just idk don't wanna go. I don't wanna take classes I just am content gorging myself on chinese, soda and candy bars (reeses pieces and peanut butter cups are my weakness....) okay well i'm not really content but my mind says I am I guess..... the thing is i'm going to Hawaii in July and I don't want to be fat on the beach, last year when I went I was able to get down to 160 which btw was difficult because I could not work out due to a bad workers comp injury. And I mean it's not that difficult a task to lose 45lbs in 5 months, thats only 9lbs a month which is very reasonable....I think I just need a motivator...Yes i've tried Brian but we work out differently so it's hard to get motivated and my old gym buddy Angela goes to LA Fitness..(my old gym) I really want to get a trainer but again don't have the money to afford it.....Does anyone have any tips?? i'm almost tempted to buy a gorgeous dress and take a pic of myself all fat in it and them put it as my wallpaper on my phone and plaster it on my mirror as a reminder but I don't know if that will work or not..............I need to find a gym buddy for real, but someone who doesn't mind going early in the morning or late in the evening, oh thats the other thing sometimes I get off at 4 or 5 and by the time I get to the gym it's absolutely packed and I end up waiting for a machine for longer than I would actually be on the machine!!!! And yes I could use the distance factor as a reason for not going but truth is I had a gym membership in the next town over and I still didn't go, but I must add it was also because the gym lacked a ton of the essentials I wanted in a gym and now because I stupidly bought a year long membership because it was a few dollars cheaper I have to pay $100 to cancel it which I can't afford right now...............(long story) Anyways the point of this post is that I need to find my motivation again so if anyone has any tips PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know!!!! :)

Why does it have to be so hard???

I love food, especially bad food, processed food, now i'm not talking about McDonalds because I haven't eaten there in YEARS i'm talking about yeah I still eat Taco Bell and sometimes I crave a whopper or I go to Carls Jr. I swear my relationship with food is what is causing my downfall. I try to stay away from all bad things and instead I end up binging on them. And yes I know people say just have a little bit but I end up eating the entire box. It's not like you can tell a girl scout oh sorry I'm on a diet...you buy a box of cookies has no one seen the pacifier???? Maybe I should go get hypnotized to not like Dr. Pepper or Sprite...or chocolate in general... well that might be too much I love red velvet cake....something has to help me I love/hate food so much why cant I just hate food LOL this would make it so much easier.....

A new year a new goal.....

Alright my amazing followers, it's a new year and with that comes a new challenge, well okay the same challenge but new expectations, I'm sure as you are all aware 2012 was definitely a year of up's and downs, weight was down then went up, was down then went back up. It was a vicious cycle which this year I plan to break. I am using more resources for sure (umm hello pinterest????) and youtube video's to help ramp up my workouts. Brian has been amazing as well! I joined 24 Hour Fitness because unfortunately the small gym in town didn't have everything I was looking for and while I am paying a little more then I was at the other gym I think the extra cost is worth it.  Anyways....One of the video's I really have been following are by Trainer Josh, he has a lot of great video's on YouTube I highly recommend you check them out. So right now my weight is holding steady at 176. My highly reasonable goal is to be down to 125 by July, and for those of us who are horrible at math like me that's only 2lbs a week which is a very easily attainable goal don't you think? I do. I'd like to be ready for Hawaii this year. Yes last year I was down to 160 but after Hawaii I ballooned back up to 176 and I hate it. I only have 1 pair of jeans that fit and with my new job I feel like a slob (even though I don't dress like one) next to the other girls that work there. I want to be proud of my body not ashamed, crossing my arms over my stomach not because i'm upset but because I simply want to hide my muffin top, which btw still happens no matter how loose my jeans are. Well muffin tops be darned i'm going to do my best to get rid of it once and for all, i'm hoping to be able to afford more personal training sessions at 24 Hour since my amazing trainer who got me down to 155 no longer does training :( Well thats it for now! Welcome to 2013~!!

New Gym New Start?

Okay so I got a membership at my local gym but after 2 months i'm realizing it's not the gym for me, they don't have nearly all the equipment I want and they don't have a sauna or anything like that so as part of my Christmas present my boyfriend offered to pay my first and lasts membership costs so that he and I could get a membership at 24 hour fitness, i've been wanting to join for awhile but just didn't have the time or the money andn ow I have both so i'm looking foward to it! currently i'm at 174lbs (ugh) and tomorrow is day 1 of my start at 24 hour fitness I can't wait for the 2 hour workout that is ahead of me~!! (yes I really am excited) stay tuned for more details~!

Ever have one of those days???

So today my boyfriend invited me out to the motorcycle shop in Beaverton where he bought his bike so I can try on jackets and gloves so that when I am A. riding on his bike I won't freeze (hence the gloves, I do have gloves but they are slippery against his gas tank and holding myself up while we are riding is pretty tough) and B. since I am getting a motorcycle early next year I need the proper protective gear. Anyways right now I am up 20lbs since my fall. I am cleared to  go back to the gym but I tell you finding the motivation is just tough when you go 9 months of not working out to finally being able to work out its just hard to find any motivation, I get up super early and so by the time I get home i'm just tired then you add homework into the mix it's just not pretty, plus the gym I joined is closer to home than to work so it's like do I want to drive out of my way to go to the gym (btw let me just preface that unfortunately my job right now stinks, my bills are about $800 a month and I currently only make about $600 after taxes so you can imagine the joy I feel trying to make up that extra $200. So gas is limited (hence the upcoming bike purchase) and for those of you who wonder just how early I get up well on a given day I get up at 4 or 5 am and if I happen to be down in Eugene visiting my boyfriend well then I wake up at 2:45am to be to work at 5 and then I get off anywhere between 11am and 2pm) Anyways i'm getting off subject, so we are at the motorycle shop and i'm trying on Jackets... I go to a Medium which i'm thinking will fit no problem...WRONG because of my lovely chest size (36D) I can't even zip the jacket up past my boobs so I have to go to a Large which thankfully zips but it's a little tight. Now with me and my weightloss even when I was down to 155 my boobs were the same size, now I realize some of you girls are like OMG JEALOUS! but trust me I swear sometimes I buy maternity tops just for the length!!!!!!!! I am constantly having to layer my shirts or stretch them to make them long enough. Plus I am one of those people who carry my weight in my stomach so no matter what I do I have a muffin top in the front and a little on the sides, I do whatever I can to hide this muffin top which I have even when I am not wearing pants!!!! Thankfully i'm more conservative in knowing that I actually have one so if I have pants that unfortunately accentuate this I make sure that I wear a sweater or top that hides it as much as possible. I swear I should start buying jeans like a guy they go by waist and length, i'm 5'3 so pants are always too long or too short.  I once tried on a pair of Buckle Jeans when I was down to 155 and I fell in love and I mean in love they made me feel amazing! LOL they should have for almost $100. My boyfriend told me that he would buy me a pair when I lost a few more lbs (Since I was still losing weight at the time I didn't want to buy a pair too big and just shrink out of them) well needless to say i'm 20 lbs away from where my first goal was and no closer to my Buckle Jeans or Boots that I can actually fit my calves and pair of jeans into (I have very muscular calves and I hate it...) Okay i'm getting off subject again. Anyways it just hit me today...wow I feel fat. and I do i'm at 172.2 right now and when you've gone down to 155 and back up to 172 you can just feel the extra weight everywhere and you can see exactly where it came back onto (lol)  Please help me find the motivation I don't like this right now I miss 155 so bad, I also miss Kwando even though thats not coming back :( I thought about joining 24 hour fitness on top of my other gym in Molalla just so i'd have no excuse to drive or walk the 1 block down to it since it's literally that close to my work but with my paychecks being so small I couldn't even afford the special this month which was AMAZEBALLS.........no intitation fee and it would only be $39 a month ($7 more than my current gym membership) so basically for $78 I could get into 24 and then I could get amazing trainer deals in January so that I could get back on track. The trainer I had at Ballys last year was an ex marine and I have never been worked out so hard, I tried to train with him outside of the gym since I left them due to retarded management and they are a bunch of liars as well. But since I worked 8-5 M-F in Gresham (btw it took me an hour to get home every night) the last thing I wanted to do was workout in the dark and it would take me an hour and a half to get to Milwaukie from my work with traffic. I need a new plan I need motivation I need I need I need........Sorry for my rant but it's been a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggg week, on the bright side i'm never too fat for my nikes or my shoes...There is a plus in this ocean of negatives....Well stay tuned for next week since i'm only working 2 days. Black Friday (yay! not) and Saturday I will have no excuse to not drive the 15 minutes to my gym and workout...something has to change and its not my love for food LOL

I've lost my way.....

I lost my path......this last year has been such a roller coaster of weight loss ups and downs.....down to 155 up to 170 down to 160 and now back up to almost 175, I really just want to cry but crying is for wimps...... I've lost my focus and I need someone to slap me back to reality, I did it once I can do it again....