I smell change on the wind.....

Today was an interesting day, I attended my first ever morning wedding (11am) and I don't know if it's the fact that i'm becoming delusional from lack of sleep due to the fact that I cannot get comfortable when I sleep which therefore keeps me up all night or if it's the fact that I haven't been able to really hit the gym in about 3 weeks or maybe it was even the fact that I had to go commando today with the dress I was wearing (lol) but the fact is that I took a look in the mirror and when I did I found motivation. My life is passing me by and while i'm enjoying it i'm not happy. I'm miserable body wise, I haven't REALLY dressed up in weeks, I never wear makeup to work anymore, for the last couple weeks I haven't even really done my hair, i've showered and let it air dry and then just threw it up in a messy top knot (which btw i'm getting really good at ha ha ) I also haven't worn a pair of heels in I don't even know how long...which is sad considering I have so many pairs of them, some of which haven't even been worn yet~ As I was going through my clothes trying to figure out what would fit and what wouldn't for Hawaii it shocked me that only 1 pair of my shorts actually fit me and don't cause a muffin top, the other pairs are 2 sizes too small and won't even go across my wide hips even if I were to grease them up with crisco. I have 2 pairs of jeans that fit 1 of which only semi fit and I hate and the other are my recently purchased Buckle jeans that I received as a gift, I haven't even worn them yet because A. I don't want to wear them to work and have them ruined by spray tan solution when cleaning and B it's just been wayyyy too hot. Brian makes me feel amazing and motivates me with suprises like a new workout gear sometimes to help me feel better and want to work out more. I miss the days when I was in the gym for several hours at a time and always left dripping in sweat, I hate the fact that I can't go to the gym right now and I hate the fact that I haven't had time to run this past week because of work and my exhaustion. I hate the fact that I don't have a workout buddy, but then again I can't really say that because when I have someone with me I for some reason don't workout as hard as I do when i'm alone, maybe it's because I can't really have my music on idk. So many things need to change to help me live a healthier lifestyle, I need to make more money so that I can actually afford to buy more healthy groceries and make my own healthy dinners because what my parent's have in the house and make aren't exactly healthy....(we are talking more frozen tv dinners then you can imagine, chocolate, cookies, candy, soda, chips, all of the essentially illegal and off limit things that you shouldn't be around when on a diet.) If I did it once I can do it again, now am I disappointed that I am going back to Hawaii in less than a week weighing almost 20lbs more then I did last year? You bet I am, do I think i'll lose some weight before I go and while on vacation? There is a good chance i'll lose a couple lbs before I leave and while one vacation simply because we will be doing so many activities and practically walking everywhere we go that is within walking distance. We only have a rental car for one day and thats because the shark adventure is on the North Shore and it would cost a lot extra for them to come pick us up, plus this allows us to do all the stuff that is out of walking distance. LOL which that reminds me I need to figure out what things are over there that we can go see and do while we have the rental car...(Ok it's on my list, phew!!) Anyways i'm just sick of looking at all my clothes and shoes and not being able to enjoy wearing them, which btw brings me back to my uncomfortable commando moment, The dress I was wearing today made it impossible to wear underwear with simply because of how clingy it was, if I had worn underwear or even a thong you would know it. The other uncomfortable part was the fact that I have an allbeit interesting shaped lower body, I have wide hips which taper in for a bit heading up and then my lower waist bulges back out, not as wide as my hips but close and then as you continue looking up it cinches back in so it's like I have 2 hourglass shapes on my body not 1 which is really weird to me, I don't know if any of you guys have bodies shaped like that or if i'm the only one lol. Anyways this made me wearing the dress even more uncomfortable because you could clearly see the shape of my overweight body. I wish I could look as good as I feel on the inside, but since thats not possible obviously I need to do some serious damage control, being a little more than 10lbs away from my previous scale tipping weight of 195 does not sit well with me, It actually disgusts me, although I love my body I don't love the fact that all of my weight is in my middle section so no matter what I do I always have a muffin top, I also hate the fact that the top of my arms are nice and toned and the bottom hang there like soggy dough, or the fact that I have wide hips and even wider amounts of fat on top of them. why is it whenever we aren't able to do something we find we want to do it more than when we could do it??? Isn't that how it always is?? Well atleast it seems that way to me. So while I am recouperating I figure now is the perfect time to put together my new weight/cardio routine, not to mention since I have 4 days off before I even leave! And don't worry I will make sure to post my routine, i'm also going to be doing a 30 day challenge courtesy of Jodi Higgs, and her amazing challenges on Facebook! Well my little minions that is all for tonight, i'm simply exhausted and seeing as I am going hiking tomorrow with Brian to Multnomah falls I probably should try and sleep tonight...No one likes a grumpy hiker...just sayin.