Better late then never....

So my deadline is here and i've failed miserably. Hawaii is a little over a week away and i'm nowhere near where I want to be. i'm about 27.8lbs away from it to be exact. and on top of that i'm another 30lbs away from my ultimate goal. Now I realize that part of my weight gain is muscle related so I shouldn't even be looking at a scale let along stepping on one. It's tough when you work out with your boyfriend and you forget that you tend to bulk up easier, So it wasn't the best idea to hit the gym 3 days a week and do more weights then cardio....In the past I got a ton of cardio in the medical field because I was constantly moving even running most days for 8+ hours a day. With my current job I stand stationary and don't move around as much as I would have in my previous job, which is why I decided to start running, great cardio and you burn a TON of calories, i've been running off and on for about 2 weeks (techinically i've been focusing on cardio for 4 weeks but since the last 2 1/2 weeks I haven't been able to run because of tendonitis and a cervical strain in my left shoulder I have just been walking sporatically, the longest walk so far was 6.14 miles last Friday. My doctor has ordered me to not work until i'm on vacation but since its really difficult to try and get shifts covered I am working the rest of this week and then taking next week off entirely. (Brian and I leave for Hawaii on Friday!) So now not only can I not go to the gym but I can't even run, walking is good but it takes forever!! It took my friend Marji and I over two hours to go 6 miles! Way too long if you ask me. Now I am glad that i've lost inches throughout my body but its not enough! I was a borderline size 4 before I got hurt and ballooned back up and now i'm around a size 10 depending on the clothing brand. I've had 6 months to try and lose what was only around 20lbs at the time and now i'm having to lose 7 more on top of that to even get back to where I was at on the way to my final goal. As much as I hate looking in the mirror at myself everyday its not going to change unless I actually start taking my weight seriously, i'm at risk for a lot of things with the amount of fat on my abdomen. My blood pressure thankfully is still normal but there are a whole lot more things that I could end up with if I don't make some serious changes. I've even had some ridiculous thoughts about possibly doing the military diet again before I leave (I did it last time and I made it through it no problem but I don't think it's worth doing it again because it simply just drastically reduces your calorie intake to the point where you lose weight but once you eat normally you just put the weight back on and then some. I've also thought about taking Xpel (essentially it's a super strong laxative and you lose all of your water weight ) but last time I took it I literally could not be more than 2ft from a toilet because you literally get rid of every tiny bit of water/waste you have in your body. I don't think I could ever do that again unless I had good reason (the things we try to lose weight) I also for some reason am never good at long term things like I went without pop for 21+ days and then all of sudden I decided I could just have one pop and now I have them all the time (not in excess but still more than I should) same thing with chocolate, said I would go a month without it and I broke that like 2 days in. I started reading a new diet book (well more of a lifestyle diet, not a lose 20lbs in 6 weeks diet or something like that) I have books on clean eating, eating this instead of that, calorie counts, you on a diet, nutrion almanac and food & mood type books, none of them that I have already started to read have I actually finished...Now am I saying I'm going to start reading this books to hopefully inspire change? It's a possibility. I will definitely be taking several books with me to Hawaii since i'm there for 9 days and I plan on lounging on the beach a lot, it's only natural I should bring a book for not only the plane ride but also to pass the time while on the beach. If Hawaii doesn't count as an event to inspire change then the next event will clearly be my wedding unless we manage to afford another trip to Hawaii or someplace else next year. I almost would rather go someplace else as this will be our second trip to Hawaii together and my third trip altogether, although another island would be better but that's in the future so we will see!  I see so many inspirational blogs with hundreds of followers everytime I go on pinterest, I want to be that inspirational person, I want to be the person people are talking about and the blog that they are following. It definitely is a question of willpower I live in a house with a 7yr old who eats, chocolate and sugary cereal, and soda and all things that I clearly should steer clear from, and meal times? what meal times? When my mom cooks dinner it's not until 7pm or later because when my nephew eats later it works out for him, but for someone who shouldn't eat after 8pm its not a good thing, I purchase healthy pasta only to have it eaten by someone else before I can even try it! There are so many solutions to my problems but none of them seem to work out for me, I buy healthy food but I end up eating out all the time because i'm too tired so the food goes to waste, I make a lunch but then I forget it, or I buy the food only for myself so that I can keep track and it gets eaten. Something always happens it seems like. Healthy food is so much more expensive (and yes you can agree because we know its true!) Why spend 30 minutes making a healthy meal when you can whip through a drive through and have one that is nowhere near healthy in 2? I see advertisements for salads from fast food restaurants like Carls Jr but if you actually examine the calorie count on them based on the serving size they essentially have the same amount of calories as a whopper,big mac or even an entire combo meal! Is this why it's so hard to lose weight? Should I be counting every single calorie that I put into my body? I did a food journal for a little bit but the apps that are out there don't really help as much as they should because a lot of the food that I was eating wasn't in the system so the calories weren't matching up and I had to guess how much calories I was actually eating, perhaps its just writing down what i'm eating and not worrying about the calories that will help me realize just how much negative or bad food that i've been putting into my body will serve as a wake up call, I need to do something because as of right now i'm heading on a path back slowly back up to my original weight of 195 that I was at almost 5 years ago and I told myself I would never go back and I mean't it. Well that's it for today, i'm going to do my best to finish my perfect 10 book while on vacation and then I will let you all know what I think about it! Alohhhaaaa