40 Pounds To Lose Everything To Gain: One Day At A Time

Okay so i've been not feeling well the last couple days, I think it finally came to a head because I went to Zumba Friday night....which btw I loved, and I cannot pop my hips to save my life but I can make my booty shake for real, ha ha well I guess it's more of a jiggle jiggle but still baby got back ha ha, I spent almost all of yesterday napping and watching movies at Brians (he rubbed my head for almost an hour, it was amazing) and then I fell asleep in his extremely comfortable bed and this afternoon I am even worse and have a slight fever, i'm trying to keep occupied and not think about the fact that my body feels like it's been through a meat grinder so what better way then to do a blog update since it's been a little bit....btw in case you were counting I am now on day 12 of no soda!!!! only 9 days left of this challenge and then it's on to a new one!! i'm thinking maybe no chocolate but the thing is I love my hot chocolate and I do have some chocolate fiber bars, not to mention cliff bars that I eat if I feel my blood sugar is getting low so i'm not sure how well I would handle that challenge, i'm thinking maybe no pasta for 21 days??? I mean I swear there must be some Italian in me because I love me some pasta, tortellini, fettuccini, spaghetti I think anything with a ni or a ti on the end of it I want. I have pasta atleast 1x a week if not more, I had organic spaghetti noodles for the first time last thursday, it was good they didn't taste any different but I am trying to eat more healthy or atleast healthier substitutes, I know I can't eliminate sugar from my diet, I wish I could but it's hard I love chocolate, I love candy, there was a point where I would have a candy bar a day, I keep going back and forth, one major weakness is the individual cake slices from Safeway....oh lord I can't keep away from them. I seriously want to get hypnotized to help me eat healthier, I think it's harder this time around because well my metabolize has slown down ( I am 28 now after all) and I know it was because I was drinking 1-2 sodas a day, having slices of cakes, chinese food etc I know thats why I am now at 179.8 i'm hoping that the fact that I stopped drinking soda will help but I know the fact that I just ate 5 crescent rolls with butter and an icecream sandwhich will not. WHY must I have 5 cresent rolls not just one or two??? it's almost like i'm a binge eater I think, there used to be times where I would buy a box of swiss miss rolls and eat the entire box in half a day, maybe I need a nutritionist or something for real, or maybe I just need to learn self control, I know that I am an emotional eater, if I have a bad day a slice of cake will make it all better, I see it over and over again on pinterest, you are not a dog so why reward yourself with food? I mean what am I gonna do at the end of 21 days have a big soda to celebrate? Work isn't helping right now i'm very stressed out over things that have been happening at work and thats causing me to not eat or eat too much which I know is confusing the crap out of my metabolism. and my work schedule doesn't help I don't have a set schedule which means my eating habits get thrown off, I can't eat at the same time everyday, well I take that back I can but it's not easy if i'm busy at work I can't be like hold up a minute I have to stop and eat, and to be honestly it literally takes close to an hour to even eat my lunch because I have to stop and help tanners, (due to hardship I don't get a clocked out lunch) so by the time I finish my lunch it's closer to dinner time for me but i'm not hungry so I don't eat til way later etc etc, I need stability and routine and it's so hard to have that right now, I don't have a set work schedule which makes trying to have a set eating or working out schedule even harder, I still wish I had the motivation I did back in 2011 because I was going to classes, I was in the gym 3-5x a week and I got down to 155 from 195 and I mean that was a HUGE accomplishment for me, the skinniest I ever was was 148 and that was in 2005!!!!!! I still felt fat then at 148 but I wasn't in the gym I was just taking weightloss pills, (solo slim) I've gotta figure this healthy lifestyle out, money is a factor, time is a factor and resources are a factor, I realize these sound like excuses to people but hear me out, money is factor because I don't make a ton of money so eating healthy which can be more expensive (i've looked into the program body by Vi and OMG $249???? for the monthly shakes etc that I need?? Yes I can just do the $49 but it doesn't last as long and lets face it I will end up spending more if I purchase supplies several times a month) I only budget $100 a month for food, $25 a week and even that is difficult, my father has our freezer and refrigerator soooooo apcked with gleaner food ( I have nothing against it but I mean come on dad we are not going to go throw 3lbs of frozen coleslaw or a 5lb tub of ricotta cheese before it expires in 2 weeks) I mean now that we have pigs it just goes to them but I am seriously contemplating buying myself a fridge/freezer just so that I can stock it with healthy stuff, oh and btw I am always having to be the one to clean out the fridge because he just lets it go and get all gross and moldy and disgusting, and our kitchen is no different, I spend 2 hours cleaning it so that I will want to cook and he destroys it in 30 minutes with papers and dirty dishes and 20 loaves of bread on the verge of becoming moldy.....and half the stuff he does bring home from gleaners I would never eat!! I swear he is a food hoarder there is soo much canned and boxed food in our garage that it's ridiculous not to mention half of the food is expired by a couple years (oh and trust me it's in the pantry too I found a food item once (can't remember what) that was over 2 years expired in our pantry!!! Plus lets face it it's no fun cooking for one, I really can't wait until Brian and I get our house because I will be in town and closer to the track so I can go running and I will have both of us to cook for so i'll be responsible for that and I will be in charge of the kitchen and fridge (well unless he wants to cook which btw he is a great cook and baker, his homemade bread is amazing!) so now onto the time factor, I don't have a set work schedule and we only get our schedules a week at a time so I never know what shifts I will be working week to week, which messes up my classes that I wanna take and if I get off later in the afternoon the gym is totally packed and it's not easy to workout because I have to wait for almost every machine I wanna use, which obviously makes me less motivated, and resources is a factor and by resources I mean gas, I have a limited gas budget (my gym is about 30ish miles from my house) so unless I have another reason to drive in besides the gym I end up not going to the gym on my day off (Thursday and Saturday) and on my days I am in there I am tired from cleaning beds, running around the store and standind for my entire shift which varies from 5-8 hours a day, I really only sit for like a max of 10 minutes each shift because of the no clocked out lunch and customers coming in at anytime. So i'm not sure how i can remedy all these situations to my favor......If anyone has any good ideas let me know!! It's funny I read this quote on pinterest off of a picture that i'm totally going to copy, it's a motivational wall, I had something similiar but honestly it just looked tacky so i'm gonna step it up a notch....Anyways it say "The few minutes of happiness that soda (I also added chocolate to it) is nothing like the pure joy that will come from finally being healthy and thin" you know it's true, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, I know that first hand, when I was down to 155 I still had a flabby stomach but I really felt like it was smaller and was getting harder but now all the chocolate in the world wouldn't satisify me as much as it did seeing that pic of me in Buckle Jeans...well enough day dreaming for me I need to get to sleep since I have work in the morning......