Motivation Step 1..............Utter Humilation Complete

So I was going through some photos of myself before I lost the initial 40lbs on my weight loss goal (although now it's 25lbs since i'm back up to 175) Anyways i've been with my boyfriend for 4 years tomorrow (yay! Happy anniversary to us!) Getting off topic again but not really....Okay ANYWAYS I was saying that since we want to get married someday I had decided to go with my friend Kyra and try on some dresses....needless to say part of me wishes I had burned the photos and the other part of me thinks i'm crazy that i'm actually going to share this photo on the internet for everyone to see but hey this is a motivational blog is it not?? I'm also using it for my own motivation because since we do want to get married some day (and no i'm not engaged but thanks for assuming ;) lol) I will have to put on a wedding dress and lets just say I NEVER want to look this way in a wedding dress when it is actually time to put one on for our wedding....... So step one submit myself to utter humilitaion is now complete and for your viewing pleasure I bring you..........................My utter humiliation......

Motivation Schmotivation

Why is it that I can look at a girl who is skinny and think there is my motivation, I want to look that good in that same type of an outfit...but then it's gone??? I hate looking at myself in the mirror or naked or in a bathing suit or even in regular clothes. it's mostly my mid-section and my arms I hate, my legs allbeit are still fabulous thanks to years upon years of sports, yes I do have some cellulite that needs to be beaten away but other than that my legs are still fabulous...ok well I hate my muscular calves because they aren't skinny muscular they are huge muscular, I have yet to find a pair of boots that don't cut off my circulation and can allow a pair of jeans to fit into them. I wish I could find my real motivation, 2 years ago at this time I had super motivation I was at the gym after work, on the weekends, taking classes it was great and now??? Nothing, nada, I go to 24 hour in Clackamas which is a super sport and has classes but yet after working all day at my new job I just idk don't wanna go. I don't wanna take classes I just am content gorging myself on chinese, soda and candy bars (reeses pieces and peanut butter cups are my weakness....) okay well i'm not really content but my mind says I am I guess..... the thing is i'm going to Hawaii in July and I don't want to be fat on the beach, last year when I went I was able to get down to 160 which btw was difficult because I could not work out due to a bad workers comp injury. And I mean it's not that difficult a task to lose 45lbs in 5 months, thats only 9lbs a month which is very reasonable....I think I just need a motivator...Yes i've tried Brian but we work out differently so it's hard to get motivated and my old gym buddy Angela goes to LA Fitness..(my old gym) I really want to get a trainer but again don't have the money to afford it.....Does anyone have any tips?? i'm almost tempted to buy a gorgeous dress and take a pic of myself all fat in it and them put it as my wallpaper on my phone and plaster it on my mirror as a reminder but I don't know if that will work or not..............I need to find a gym buddy for real, but someone who doesn't mind going early in the morning or late in the evening, oh thats the other thing sometimes I get off at 4 or 5 and by the time I get to the gym it's absolutely packed and I end up waiting for a machine for longer than I would actually be on the machine!!!! And yes I could use the distance factor as a reason for not going but truth is I had a gym membership in the next town over and I still didn't go, but I must add it was also because the gym lacked a ton of the essentials I wanted in a gym and now because I stupidly bought a year long membership because it was a few dollars cheaper I have to pay $100 to cancel it which I can't afford right now...............(long story) Anyways the point of this post is that I need to find my motivation again so if anyone has any tips PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know!!!! :)

Why does it have to be so hard???

I love food, especially bad food, processed food, now i'm not talking about McDonalds because I haven't eaten there in YEARS i'm talking about yeah I still eat Taco Bell and sometimes I crave a whopper or I go to Carls Jr. I swear my relationship with food is what is causing my downfall. I try to stay away from all bad things and instead I end up binging on them. And yes I know people say just have a little bit but I end up eating the entire box. It's not like you can tell a girl scout oh sorry I'm on a diet...you buy a box of cookies has no one seen the pacifier???? Maybe I should go get hypnotized to not like Dr. Pepper or Sprite...or chocolate in general... well that might be too much I love red velvet cake....something has to help me I love/hate food so much why cant I just hate food LOL this would make it so much easier.....