Ever have one of those days???

So today my boyfriend invited me out to the motorcycle shop in Beaverton where he bought his bike so I can try on jackets and gloves so that when I am A. riding on his bike I won't freeze (hence the gloves, I do have gloves but they are slippery against his gas tank and holding myself up while we are riding is pretty tough) and B. since I am getting a motorcycle early next year I need the proper protective gear. Anyways right now I am up 20lbs since my fall. I am cleared to  go back to the gym but I tell you finding the motivation is just tough when you go 9 months of not working out to finally being able to work out its just hard to find any motivation, I get up super early and so by the time I get home i'm just tired then you add homework into the mix it's just not pretty, plus the gym I joined is closer to home than to work so it's like do I want to drive out of my way to go to the gym (btw let me just preface that unfortunately my job right now stinks, my bills are about $800 a month and I currently only make about $600 after taxes so you can imagine the joy I feel trying to make up that extra $200. So gas is limited (hence the upcoming bike purchase) and for those of you who wonder just how early I get up well on a given day I get up at 4 or 5 am and if I happen to be down in Eugene visiting my boyfriend well then I wake up at 2:45am to be to work at 5 and then I get off anywhere between 11am and 2pm) Anyways i'm getting off subject, so we are at the motorycle shop and i'm trying on Jackets... I go to a Medium which i'm thinking will fit no problem...WRONG because of my lovely chest size (36D) I can't even zip the jacket up past my boobs so I have to go to a Large which thankfully zips but it's a little tight. Now with me and my weightloss even when I was down to 155 my boobs were the same size, now I realize some of you girls are like OMG JEALOUS! but trust me I swear sometimes I buy maternity tops just for the length!!!!!!!! I am constantly having to layer my shirts or stretch them to make them long enough. Plus I am one of those people who carry my weight in my stomach so no matter what I do I have a muffin top in the front and a little on the sides, I do whatever I can to hide this muffin top which I have even when I am not wearing pants!!!! Thankfully i'm more conservative in knowing that I actually have one so if I have pants that unfortunately accentuate this I make sure that I wear a sweater or top that hides it as much as possible. I swear I should start buying jeans like a guy they go by waist and length, i'm 5'3 so pants are always too long or too short.  I once tried on a pair of Buckle Jeans when I was down to 155 and I fell in love and I mean in love they made me feel amazing! LOL they should have for almost $100. My boyfriend told me that he would buy me a pair when I lost a few more lbs (Since I was still losing weight at the time I didn't want to buy a pair too big and just shrink out of them) well needless to say i'm 20 lbs away from where my first goal was and no closer to my Buckle Jeans or Boots that I can actually fit my calves and pair of jeans into (I have very muscular calves and I hate it...) Okay i'm getting off subject again. Anyways it just hit me today...wow I feel fat. and I do i'm at 172.2 right now and when you've gone down to 155 and back up to 172 you can just feel the extra weight everywhere and you can see exactly where it came back onto (lol)  Please help me find the motivation I don't like this right now I miss 155 so bad, I also miss Kwando even though thats not coming back :( I thought about joining 24 hour fitness on top of my other gym in Molalla just so i'd have no excuse to drive or walk the 1 block down to it since it's literally that close to my work but with my paychecks being so small I couldn't even afford the special this month which was AMAZEBALLS.........no intitation fee and it would only be $39 a month ($7 more than my current gym membership) so basically for $78 I could get into 24 and then I could get amazing trainer deals in January so that I could get back on track. The trainer I had at Ballys last year was an ex marine and I have never been worked out so hard, I tried to train with him outside of the gym since I left them due to retarded management and they are a bunch of liars as well. But since I worked 8-5 M-F in Gresham (btw it took me an hour to get home every night) the last thing I wanted to do was workout in the dark and it would take me an hour and a half to get to Milwaukie from my work with traffic. I need a new plan I need motivation I need I need I need........Sorry for my rant but it's been a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggg week, on the bright side i'm never too fat for my nikes or my shoes...There is a plus in this ocean of negatives....Well stay tuned for next week since i'm only working 2 days. Black Friday (yay! not) and Saturday I will have no excuse to not drive the 15 minutes to my gym and workout...something has to change and its not my love for food LOL

I've lost my way.....

I lost my path......this last year has been such a roller coaster of weight loss ups and downs.....down to 155 up to 170 down to 160 and now back up to almost 175, I really just want to cry but crying is for wimps...... I've lost my focus and I need someone to slap me back to reality, I did it once I can do it again....